A topic of this scale is far too big for my brain to handle but this week’s events have led me to ask myself the question ‘how will we know when the world has finally spun completely out of control?’
For me and I expect for most people with UC, each morning brings a series of firsts and the nervousness that comes with them.
Let me explain:
- The first poo or loo visit – Will it hurt? Will there be blood?
- The first few hours of the morning – Will there be cramps? Or bloating? Or urgency?
- The first meals of the day – Will there be cramps? Pain or sickness and anxiety?
Not the ‘leap out of bed and sing to the birds through the window’ style of morning which I’m sure we’d all love, but none the less – a day without any of those signals is as good as any.
Despite the many similarities between men and women, and the equal strengths and qualities of both sexes – it would seem that science is highlighting one challenge us girls have yet to overcome…anxiety. Studies show that women are naturally disposed to panic and worry, more so than our male counterparts (on the whole at least). But why?
Me and my boyfriend often joke that he had a deprived childhood because he never went to a CenterParcs, whereas – according to my mum, I went there even before I was born, as part of my parent’s last break before my arrival.
Skip forward 20 years, and I’d pretty much wiped CentreParks from my memory. I knew we’d been a few times when I was very small, and I remembered trees, bike rides with my dad and a pretty decent kids pool…but most of it was hazy.
Generally I believe that achieving mindfulness involves stepping away from your phone, but after a recent recommendation from a friend I downloaded an app called – Insight Timer.
When I was little and my brother would get away with murder, or my school mates would pick fun at me and bully me, I’d come home and proclaim how unfair and unjust the world was through tear-stained cheeks. Usually all was quickly forgotten after a cuddle and a bit of dinner, and as only a child’s mind can I soon moved on to bigger and better things, without dwelling on the ‘what ifs’ and ‘maybes’ that come with later years.
If it’s normal for most teenagers and 20 somethings to constantly pick themselves apart and worry about how they look, behave, and whether the direction they’re heading in is the right one…then I’ve had a very normal experience of growing up.
Farting in public isn’t easy, there’s the ever-present dilemma of ‘will it stink?’ ‘Will everyone know it was me?’, and you can never be sure if it’s going to slip silently into the ether, or announce its arrival with a huge lingering trump.
Most people can come home, slip into those slacks and trump till their heart’s content, but when you’re currently living with your in-laws, and also suffer from an IBD which makes your bowels doubly as active – that becomes a whole new challenge.
It just so happens that this week is Crohns and Colitis Awareness Week (1-7th Dec), and it also happens to mark the start of my second ever UC flare…so in this week of awareness, I am suddenly very acutely aware of my illness, and all the delights that come with it. Oh the irony!
Back in the summer we took advantage of a friend’s empty static caravan and escaped the drudgery of work, for a few days of fresh air. Wales isn’t a new holiday destination to me, but Pembrokeshire was, and it was BEAUTIFUL!
My boyfriend and I are currently saving for a deposit on our first house, so there were no foreign holidays on the cards this year (or for the foreseeable). It’s spoilt to say, but I was a bit gutted we weren’t going anywhere after working so hard, so when this opportunity for a cheap little stay-cation came up, I leapt at it.
The icing on the cake was that we had glorious weather for 80% of the trip, and the place itself far exceed my expectations.